MY BIGGEST MISTAKE...And how I fixed it.

From 198 pounds to 145 pounds...

You might see these pictures and think... " WOW! She must feel GREAT in the right picture, since she's not fat anymore, since she lost 53 pounds!"

What you see on the media & photos is probably not the whole story...I remember taking both pictures as if it was yesterday...Most importantly, I remember how I felt. When I was 198 pounds on the picture on the left, I remember thinking ...

" Ah if I could only be skinny, ALL my problems would vanish."

" When I weigh 145 pounds I can FINALLY be happy and confident! "

So...

That became my obsession, all I would think about all day. I would skip on birthday parties, skip on thanksgivings, brunch, and drinks with friends...I would dread and hate going to the gym, but would tell myself:

" You HAVE to go to the elliptical, stair master for 2 hours to become skinny or you'll always be fat."

I would restrict myself so much that I had NO energy left for anything or anyone. I lost friends, ended relationships, and became my worst nightmare.I felt like a slave to cardio and food and ended up making my depression, anxiety, and lack of confidence even worse than when I started..

After years of doing this toxic cycle I had FINALLY accomplished my desired " Goal Weight" of 130 pounds.

BUT, GUESS WHAT...

I felt just like 198 pounds.
I felt depressed, anxious, and MISERABLE.
My body DRASTICALLY changed.
The number on the scale changed.

BUT

I still HATED the way I looked, It wasn't enough for me, I wasn't happy, I felt exhausted, hopeless, lonely, and stuck in this dark place.
I had developed several eating disorders and body dysmorphia.
I would isolate myself, starve, do cardio, and honestly just cry and sleep most of my days.

After months, years I finally touched rock bottom and asked myself...

Why are you doing this to yourself, Adriana? WHY!!!!???

You are the most unhappy and miserable you've ever been! You're never going to be happy if you continue to slowly kill yourself like this.

So I looked for help...

I started reading endless self-development books
I would listen to positive youtube videos & audiobooks all day long
I started doing the things I enjoyed doing before, like painting, going to the beach, cooking
I unfollowed all the bikini models and false icons on my feed
I followed positive, uplifting accounts instead
I started focusing on healing my MINDSET
I stopped attaching my happiness to the way my body looked.
I stopped attaching my happiness to the number on the scale.
I stopped attaching my happiness to anything

And instead started harvesting my happiness within myself

I started to invest all my time and energy in learning, growing as a person
I became a certified Health & Nutrition Coach
I got introduced to strength training by my current 4-year long boyfriend and started lifting weights

MY PERSPECTIVE CHANGED
MY MINDSET CHANGED
I wanted to be STRONG now.
I wanted to BUILD muscles now.
I wanted to go to the gym every day now!

I started to ENJOY the PROCESS & STOPPED focusing on the end goal. I would see food as fuel now and would eat without restrictions! I stopped labeling foods as good or bad and started seeing them as what they are!

Macronutrient, FUEL, Fat, Protein, Carbs. Not the devil.